So around September/October in New england, life gets a little dark. Literally for all of us, and for me in 2009 I hit a dark patch. Not that I was just sitting around doing nothing, or even feeling especially down or depressed. What was happening was a whole lot of not knowing. I wasn't really knowing what i was doing and the how my life was going. There are times when not knowing feels comfortable because I am either in the flow and there are times when I am in the waiting where I can relax into that, and then there is a restlessness that happens from time to time when things get frustrating. I had written in August about how I felt like I had gone from juggling things in my life to having them orbit, but when things orbit there is a lot more space, and sometimes space is dark and it can feel empty. There were pinpricks of light, but it didn't give me understanding. This was a waiting in the darkness. (hence the Mind the Gap title)
My facebook status from 10/25/09, pretty well describes much of October-early Feburary 2010., because I didn't know what was going to come next, or how it would fit together.
Liz Swenson feels as thought the center of her life has slipped into darkness, but I've done enough theater to know that in that dark time people and forces can work with an uncanny precision to prepare things and set the stage for what wonders are to come.
It was pretty much true.
During November I just spent time being grateful for whatever i could find to be grateful for, and I tried to stay positive. I got disengaged somewhat from my job, Initially I worried about burnout, but it changed somewhere in there into something else. In some ways is good, because I can overfocus on work or work things sometimes, and it was nice to be able to care and be present for people, but set better boundaries as to how much effort I would put in when others were not or when I was feeling depleted.
There was my internship for my CAGS for school going on, and paperwork, and snow, and knitting, and many many other everyday things.
December was quiet. I got sick right before Christmas, but I jsut rested and took things easy. The best part of the Christmas holiday for me was seeing the musical Wicked with my parents. Again there was quiet.
Around new years I decided my resolution would be that in 2010 I deserved better. I don't like to think about or admit how hurt I was my friends bailing on me during my vegas trip, but around new years I realized I didn't want that kind of hurt again, and I wanted some better things for myself. I wasn't sure what, but better. I guess in some ways this kind of put me in the mindset for discovery, but it took until late February/ Early March to make that happen.
January was again quiet. I went to Arisia briefly but did not attend the party my friends from VT hold every year, instead just driving up for the day with noodles and keilbasa and watching movies.
I cooked, because it's what I do in winter. I took steps back from the things I care about, not because I wanted to stop caring about them, but because I needed to let them be, and see how they would turn out. Sometimes things need space to grow in different ways. It's weird to think of this happening in winter, but it was what my winter was about.
In february I got a stomach bug right before superbowl sunday, and had to stay home and take care of myself. I have a friend who says when you are sick you are transforming. It's weird, but even looking at my facebook statuses shortly superbowl sunday the energy I have in those statuses started to change.
It was like after a small biologically imposed fast I was ready to start again, and start to take on life.
February was still pretty quiet, but it was like quietly gradually moving into a place where there are all sorts of possibilities.
Then came March.
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