Let's start with the prelude to a wedding.
In the Summer of 2010 my oldest friend in the world James is getting married to Becky. Becky is feisty and smart and fun and I am so happy for James.
To celebrate this their friend Justine organized a surprise YEAHH James and Becky party. Sort of an engagement party, but more just silly fun. There were trivia games about Becky and James, there was a three legged race and an egg toss. Justine works the combo of zany, fun and cute better than most people I know.
I wish I had a better picture of Justine, but you can only barely see her in the red tank top in the group shots from the egg toss.
It was a gorgeous day. There were people with Giant kites at the park.
It was what I needed because that morning and the drive out towards Boston had been a little bit rough on me. That morning I had gone to church for the 9 am discussion group and found out that my friend Ken was in the hospital with cancer. I didn't go to church, but instead went to visit Ken at the hospital.
My church is a UU church and during the summer people from the congregation get to get up and lead services. For more years than I've been a member Ken has done the service towards the end of the summer, and brought the bounty from his garden, for the entire group gathered. Ken and I went to discussion groups together and he had kind of inspired me to try to lead one of the summer services. In May, when I told him I was thinking about it, he was so encouraging. That day he told me what he wanted to talk about in his sermon, and I talked about mine.
I was scared he wouldn't live to give his service at the end of the summer, and no one else would hear what he had to say. I was scared about Ken dying because of who he was, and really that is hard to convey.
I don't have a drawing for Ken, and I don't feel like I could do one now. Mostly my drawings are snapshots of color light and symbols that represent the person as I can see them at this time. With people I know more, I see more, but also the more open people are to life, the more there is to draw. However there are people that you meet who have such a broad and deep impact on the people around them, that it would take a master artist to convey. Sometimes I draw in colored pencil, sometimes chalk or pastel. Ken.... his would be in oil on canvas and the intricacies of the detailing my brain has trouble fathoming at the moment. I think part of my heart aches because I wish I could paint it, but at this time I couldn't even come up with a pale imitation of what this mandala should look like. And the immensity of just how many people Ken's life was important to is almost overwhelming.
Ken died Christmas day 2009.
I don't have pictures or drawings, but I can tell you some stories though, and maybe let you hear the echo of his beliefs and practice.
Ken was not big on faith. Ken was huge on practice. He doubted god on a regular basis because he couldn't understand why such suffering was allowed. Yet still everyday he worked to alleviate that suffering and bring people what they needed.
When Vietnam happened even though he was a pacifist he enlisted before being drafted so he could choose what he did. He became a nurse and kept that career for his entire life. He would spend his 8 hour shift entirely with the patients, and would come early and stay late to do paperwork so that paperwork didn't interrupt the care he gave.
Ken cooked supper on Monday nights for anybody who came to the church to eat, and packed up the leftovers to give to people who he knew would need food during the week.
There were some Monday nights I stayed over at the church with homeless families, and Ken made sure that a plate was left for me even if I ended up working late.
On a personal note 3 years ago I had my first annual potluck party in the park and after setting up with my friend, when party time came no one was there. Ken was the first person to come outside of the friend who help me set up. It made me realize the importance of showing up for people. (people came later, but there was definitely that moment of what if nobody comes). I told him this last story before he died and hugged him and cried.
At his funeral a woman who sat next to me said "he was like a saint" and I said "Yup" because he was and yet he was totally human, which really brings home the idea that you or I or anybody can really give of ourselves fully and still be the person we were meant to be.
I think it is a matter of what you can do in whatever moment you are in.
Ken's family gave out little fruit baskets at his funeral because he would always bring the bounty of the earth to people he knew. A few days before the funeral a friend had emailed me about a woman and her son who were in need of food after she left a relationship that was abusive. After the funeral, I went shopping got a bag of essentials, and put Ken's fruit basket on top. I like to think he would have liked that.
The one other thing Ken and I talked about in June when I visited him was "do it now" and how life is short. I had been debating in my head how insane it was to drive 6 hours to and from Baltimore for my friend Dave and his girlfriend Trinket's unbirthday party. It's kind of a long drive, but I had heard MANY of our college friends would be there. After talking with Ken there was no debate-You show up while you can.
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